0030

I seriously just don't understand it. I am not allowed to forget apparently. I don't even know how to explain this without going into full detail or making it seem like this was something to hide and regret.

Simple answer:
My first job was amazing and horrible at the same time. There's this girl that ruined part of it, a girl I never wanted to see again or even hear her name. The thing is, I forgot she existed. I forgot about that entire time she was around. Until today. They hired her at my work and I think I could smash my hand through a window or just completely trip her and revel in the shit she would eat easily. I ignored her for as long as possible until she came up to me and asked, "So, what, you're not going to say Hi?" I didn't look at her. I shouldn't have even responded but I said, "No," and walked away.

It's just not fair. This is my job. I have been here for 2+ years. She should not be allowed to take over. She's pretty and funny, and charming, if I remember correctly, and I know every one will probably love her. But I know. I know how she is.

0029

It's 2am on Monday. I haven't slept since waking up at 1p on Saturday. Yesterday I cut my bangs and I spent today at work and then went out with Wee. Drinks and dinner at one place, drinks and dessert at another. Borders became the sober up stomping ground where I made some not so sober purchases (I TOLD WEE NOT TO LET ME BUY ANOTHER BOOK!). Oh, and new sunglasses that Wee said she wouldn't be seen with me if I bought them, oh darn!


Dinner was great. My aunt and I had too many margaritas. She doesn't drink (often? at all?) but the last time I saw her we had too many margaritas. It was at my cousin's wedding and, feeling left out from the rest of the family, we drank and stayed up until 3a, talking, on my hotel bed with my mother asleep next to us. I really want to visit Washington so I did a little research and it's just so frustrating at how a vacation would be so expensive. I want to see downtown Seattle. I want to ride the train up the coast. I want to have a grand adventure alone.


These shoes came in yesterday, black version. I love them.

Also, get this. I was told today that some servers at one of the neighboring restaurants heard about our book club and want to join. What's up with that?

0028

Sometimes I worry I'm getting too tan so I take pictures to settle my stomach. After, I edit them warm. IDK. It doesn't make sense, I know. My hair is black (it hasn't been this color since 10th grade) and I feel really comfortable with it. It's been a couple weeks and it's only faded to a dark, dark brown. Normally I'd dye it dark brown and it would fade within a week to a weird medium brownish red, not even my natural hair color.

My aunt and uncle flew down today from Washington. They're only staying until Sunday morning and of course, I'm supposedly on a "need to know" basis with my family. No one told me until Monday evening, the night my work schedule was posted. I tried to swap/give up my Saturday but it's a leper shift. Patio #2. My GM was nice enough to put me on call Hopefully they won't need me.

I love my book club. It started as just the two of us and now there's six.


I want to write more. I want to read more. I want to use the internet less. I want to drink more. I want one of those summers where everyone lives in their bathing suits, no one goes home for longer than a shower time, the sun rises and sets by the pool/beach, and everyone is never sober. I want to drink case after case of beer or champagne.

I need sleeping pills.

0027

reading goals
one upside-down
one french
more bukowski
def all HP series (AGAIN/AGAIN)
keep up with book club

0026

cut my favorite pair of nonwearable jeans into shorts.
am addicted to LUSH and want to shower 4 times a day.
could live off miso soup for the rest of my life, seriously.
harry potter tomorrow omg!
book club on wednesday omg!
actually missed morongo.
miss my kittehs more :(

thanks to the wonders of directTV I am living off discovery health channel, TLC, HGTV, and law&order: criminal intent.

0025

watching: 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time, I fail.
hating: my computer so very much because every single thing I do has a lag, right down to every key I'm writing in this sentence
reading: The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene (heard of it @lj: mozart). When I was thirteen I had my mother buy Metaphysics by Aristotle for me. I just love the subject.
forgetting: that I just took a percocet, really. I was sitting on the couch thinking, why do I feel so weeeeeeeeeeird?
feeling: (besides weeeeeeeird) goddamn dirty because my wake, shower, shower, sleep schedule was interrupted by an early work time. ugh.

my fingers never work correctly.

0024

There are two times in my day when I write journal entries in my head, while I'm driving home from work and right before I get in the shower. They sound so eloquent and interesting until I sit in front of the computer and I find that I've either forgotten how to word things correctly or I just don't feel like explaining. Anything. Anymore.

Ridiculous.


Here is me being eloquent and interesting, I am now reading (and half finished):


Again, I cannot decide between falling asleep at 4a to wake up at 10a grumpy and annoyed or just, you know, foregoing sleep altogether.

I really don't think there will ever be enough hours in a day to satisfy me.

0023

I've had this open on my desktop for the past week and I cannot seem to finish what I've been trying to say.




See how this works (or doesn't work)? I went from written journal phase to online journal phase to doing nothing at all. I don't even read enough. To catch up, I will list. I love lists.

-I took my car in for service and left with a brand new one while saving 1200 dollars in the process.
-Mghn walked out while I was in the shower about two weeks ago. The only person not jumping for joy was Dmnq.
-I saw Anthny at Target a few days ago. I haven't seen him in three years and coincidentally the 5th was the "anniversary" of my virginity, ugh.
-I have been a vegetarian (pescetarian) for four full months. I'm trying to cut out fish from my diet.
-My half brother and half sister found me on myspace and I'm pretty conflicted about it. I don't even use myspace, at all.
-My grandma's cancer has gone horribly wrong and the doctors have given her two choices: go back on chemo (which will not cure anything, they originally recommended stopping the treatment the first time because it wasn't working) or sign into a hospice. I feel like our family is dying.
-Dmnq adopted a dog and ever since Mghn left I have been stuck watching it while she's at work. Half the time she comes home for an hour or so then leaves to have dinner and party at Toucans (our gay club) with Thms. This has started many fights between us because I find it so rude to leave me with this puppy who will pee and shit on the carpet then turn right around and start eating it. Warm. Really. It's fucking disgusting and I have made it so goddamn clear that this is HER dog, not MINE. She would flip out if I even asked her to keep an eye on my cats.

0022

Almost finished: Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams
Listening/newly downloaded: Mean Everything to Nothing by Manchester Orchestra

0021

I can hear coachella from my window.