0025

watching: 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time, I fail.
hating: my computer so very much because every single thing I do has a lag, right down to every key I'm writing in this sentence
reading: The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene (heard of it @lj: mozart). When I was thirteen I had my mother buy Metaphysics by Aristotle for me. I just love the subject.
forgetting: that I just took a percocet, really. I was sitting on the couch thinking, why do I feel so weeeeeeeeeeird?
feeling: (besides weeeeeeeird) goddamn dirty because my wake, shower, shower, sleep schedule was interrupted by an early work time. ugh.

my fingers never work correctly.

0024

There are two times in my day when I write journal entries in my head, while I'm driving home from work and right before I get in the shower. They sound so eloquent and interesting until I sit in front of the computer and I find that I've either forgotten how to word things correctly or I just don't feel like explaining. Anything. Anymore.

Ridiculous.


Here is me being eloquent and interesting, I am now reading (and half finished):


Again, I cannot decide between falling asleep at 4a to wake up at 10a grumpy and annoyed or just, you know, foregoing sleep altogether.

I really don't think there will ever be enough hours in a day to satisfy me.

0023

I've had this open on my desktop for the past week and I cannot seem to finish what I've been trying to say.




See how this works (or doesn't work)? I went from written journal phase to online journal phase to doing nothing at all. I don't even read enough. To catch up, I will list. I love lists.

-I took my car in for service and left with a brand new one while saving 1200 dollars in the process.
-Mghn walked out while I was in the shower about two weeks ago. The only person not jumping for joy was Dmnq.
-I saw Anthny at Target a few days ago. I haven't seen him in three years and coincidentally the 5th was the "anniversary" of my virginity, ugh.
-I have been a vegetarian (pescetarian) for four full months. I'm trying to cut out fish from my diet.
-My half brother and half sister found me on myspace and I'm pretty conflicted about it. I don't even use myspace, at all.
-My grandma's cancer has gone horribly wrong and the doctors have given her two choices: go back on chemo (which will not cure anything, they originally recommended stopping the treatment the first time because it wasn't working) or sign into a hospice. I feel like our family is dying.
-Dmnq adopted a dog and ever since Mghn left I have been stuck watching it while she's at work. Half the time she comes home for an hour or so then leaves to have dinner and party at Toucans (our gay club) with Thms. This has started many fights between us because I find it so rude to leave me with this puppy who will pee and shit on the carpet then turn right around and start eating it. Warm. Really. It's fucking disgusting and I have made it so goddamn clear that this is HER dog, not MINE. She would flip out if I even asked her to keep an eye on my cats.

0022

Almost finished: Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams
Listening/newly downloaded: Mean Everything to Nothing by Manchester Orchestra

0021

I can hear coachella from my window.

0020

I had plans with Aln around nine last night which turned into having plans around midnight. Since I have felt so in the dark with taxes this year, he offered to help. We used a different tax program than my previous one and, holy shit, I thought I was going to scream with happiness when it told me I was going to get 80 dollars back. EIGHTY DOLLARS. BACK. I don't care that it's not 800, I care that it's not -605 like I was previously told

Now I have this money in my savings and I cannot wait until I can get Neal neutered. I cannot wait until I can get my car the new tires it's needed for the past six months and maybe, just maybe, I'll have a little extra to get the huge scratch erased from the door. Seventy percent of my stress has been erased.




I have only read The End of the Whole Mess so far, but I'm in love. It is a book made for me.

I am a sucker for short stories. I love how the complicated has to be simple and short. I love how easy it is to experiment in style. I am also a sucker for the "end of the world" stories. Not the OMGZOMBIES but just the end, the end of civilization, the end of enlightenment, even someone's last day on earth. It just interests me so much I can't even explain. I think Generation X by Douglas Coupland must have started it with me when I read the book in high school. Fun Fact: Generation X is set where I live.


44583

0019

I find it interesting and annoying that the biggest moments are the ones I never feel like describing. I never seem to be "in the mood" afterward. I am gritting my teeth over the thought of writing this down.


I've already described the FAIL of previous birthdays here and let me just say, the one before them, the one that started the downward spiral of horrible birthdays cannot be explained in one sentence but I will do my best: my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend tried to kill him in front of me. My close friends at work pretty much knew about my birthday luck and they are amazing. They made this year amazing.

We went to Knott's Soak City. 19 people showed up. 19 fucking people and a few of them even had to work that evening. Jnll bought us a private cabana and we did shots all day long. I rode every slide drunk and I can still hear Shwn yelling, "SHE'S A LADY, IT'S HER BIRTHDAY, SHE'S A LAAAADY!" We were cut off. We almost got kicked out. We were surrounded by security. It was just awesome.

My work friends are awesome.

My other friends, another story. They bolted for the rides the moment we got there, without me. I never went on one with Dmnq and Mghn and only one with Jby and Lw. D&M left just a few hours later without saying goodbye.

But it didn't matter. My work friends noticed and told me they should fuck off, not to care about them. I was high and drunk and I was having so much fun. I didn't even burn. Now that's amazing.

Nine of us went to dinner, the mariachi band swarmed our table and sang me songs for my birthday. I passed out on the way home.



Today I added #3 to the "Major Stupid Things Mghn Says" list. Major meaning she says unthoughtful, ridiculous things every day, but sometimes there are a few gems hiding in the mix. After my shower every morning (afternoon) I walk into the living room and Mghn will have a netflix watch instantly movie on (we don't have cable so we hook Dmnq's macbook to the HD TV and I'm sure Mghn would shrivel up and die without it). This morning (afternoon) it was A Clockwork Orange and the moment she sees me she says, "I just wanted to remember why it's so stupid." Uh, WHAT? I didn't know what to say to that and Mghn is someone that, at times, it makes no sense to argue with her, the rest of us realized this trait right away and pretty much spend our time with her waiting for a moment alone so we can laugh till we cry about most of the things that come out of her mouth. Back to the point. I really loved A Clockwork Orange during high school and, I'm sure, I didn't understand it too well and right now I can't really tell you I even like it anymore but even I know you can't call it stupid. Pet peeve right there, when someone can't understand something, it's stupid. Don't do it. It's not fair. If you can't get the point, the reason, the moral, it's no where near stupid. Mghn didn't know the movie was set in the future. She laughed and giggled through the conditioning scene.


I am craving coleslaw.


AND JUST BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, MATTHEW GOODE GIF SPAM.

0018

Today is my birthday.

I was born on a Wednesday, during a new moon.

It is the 99th day of the year and also, for myself, the 99th day of being a vegetarian (actually, pescatarian).

On this day:
In 193, Septimius Severus was proclaimed Roman Emperor by the army in Illyricum. I just love his name.
In 1413, Henry V (one of the most significant English warrior kings of the 15th century) was crowned King of England.
In 1682, Robert Cavelier de La Salle discovered the mouth of the Mississippi River, claimed it for France and named it Louisiana. When I visit Louisiana, I will finally be able to die happy.
In 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered the Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Courthouse, Virginia, effectively ending the Civil War.
In 1867, Passed by a single vote, the United States Senate ratified a treaty with Russia for the purchase of Alaska.

Births:
1926 – Hugh Hefner
1954 – Dennis Quaid
1963 – Marc Jacobs
1974 - Jenna Jameson
1974 - Alexander Pichushkin
1977 – Gerard Way
1982 – Jay Baruchel
1986 – Leighton Meester
1987 – Jesse McCartney
1990 – Kristen Stewart
1998 – Elle Fanning

This year, it is Maundy Thursday to Christians. It commemorates the Last Supper of Jesus Christ with the Apostles.

0017

For April Fool's day I put red food coloring in Dmnq's milk and poked holes in the bottom of Dmnq and Mghn's styrofoam cups. Oh man, I would have paid money to see the look on Mghn's face when she tried to pour herself some soda, I certainly heard all about it after work. Sadly, no one fooled me. I spent the entire day surrounded by people who seemed to have NO CLUE what the first of April entailed. It was lame.


I have been playing Resident Evil 5 with Jby and I am just so into it. We yell and scream at each other and laugh so hard we can't breathe. I look foreword to the few times our schedules match, even when it's just half a day.

I am not sure what it is but I seem to only take pictures on my phone recently.


I decided years ago that the love of my life will most certainly buy me a huge map as a gift because they will know how much I'll need one the moment we meet.


When I get frustrated, I cry which means that there have been two stages in my life that I spent soaked in tears. Junior year in high school and the years during my first job. The problem with this bullshit crying bit is that I hate showing that sort of weak emotion, specifically in public, which leads to even more frustration and even more tears. I cannot stand it. I hate every bit of this ridiculous shit in me but it will not change.

Take last Thursday. I forgot to renew my license that will expire in a few days so I decided to overnight my mail renewal form and payment. I went to two post offices and FedEx Kinkos. FedEx won't deliver to po boxes and the US post office was so jammed with people that I didn't even know where to start. The whole choosing the size of the envelop, making sure it's the right envelop for the job, finding the right paper work for the job AND envelop, and hoping you made the right choice or else a ton of people in line behind you will probably key your car in the parking lot, was too much for me to handle. I jumped out of line and decided, fuck it, I'll send it in the slow boring way and just hope that the rest of April is really lucky for me. Well, the stamp machines weren't working, one was not even on and the other refused every bill I put in it.

(The more I admit to the situations that seem petty but freak me out unreasonably the more I understand that I must have inherited my father's social anxiety disorder. The disorder that my mother only told me about in the past few years and followed it with, "If I had known that before, I probably wouldn't have wanted to have a child with him.")

I didn't so much as freak out over the entire situation, it was just so frustrating. Frustration is undealable with me. I wanted to scream and pull out my hair. I wanted to smash my hand through a window. I wanted to fucking hit someone in the face. I really didn't want to cry but I did, in my car, on the way home, and there is that other reason why I love big sunglasses.

0016

I have been recently addicted to dark chocolate covered pretzels. Though, when I eat them, at every single bite, I think, Is it salty from the pretzel? Or is my mouth bleeding? but it doesn't seem to hinder me because I cannot stop.

I can feel a hot one has been my favorite song for a while now.

I wish I was a med student because I'd really like to know exactly where my organs are located.



Complaining time:

Why do I always feel alone in my judgments?

I've provided alcohol for myself and my roommates (retarded BFF/Dmnq and her gf/Mghn) for the past four months.

A couple days ago I bought strawberry daiquiri mix. We drank it all. Today Dmnq mentioned we should have another daiquiri night. I already had plans with Rbkh to see I Love You, Man in theaters around 10pm but I thought, why not? There's always time for drinks.

Rbkh is my smart friend. My friend who completely understands and complains along with me about the selfishness of Dmnq, about all the little stuff we do for her and Mghn and how they would never EVER think about reciprocating.

So, I buy stuff to make guacamole and find out that the tortilla chips we had at home were thrown away. I send Dmnq a text. I ask her to pick up mix and chips. She replies, "Aren't we going to the movies, tonight? I'll get the mix later, we've only got 100 dollars for food this week."

OH I'M SORRY. Maybe you only have 100 dollars for food because your gf never works and you've spent your money buying her three laptops in the span of four months, two of which are Macs, and she just keeps breaking them.

Besides that silent point, I ask her why she's going to the movies then.

Rbkh is paying for the three of them.

Am I alone here? Am I alone thinking that the people who make themselves suffer and who care about no one but themselves SHOULD suffer? I don't even want to go to the movie anymore, I feel so sick and sour with disappointment and annoyance.